So You Think You Can Dance - A Lesson in Overcoming

It's pretty amazing what the world of dance can teach us.

It is also remarkable when someone beats the odds, not only surviving a terrible situation, but learns to thrive in spite of it, inspiring others in the process.

Both of these came together perfectly on Tuesday evening during So You Think You Can Dance.  With it being the first week of All-Stars this season, I knew it would be a special show.  I just didn't realize how special until the final pair of the night took the stage.

When the All-Stars were announced, I was already psyched because my favorite dancer ever on the show, Robert Roldan, would be back after missing Season 9.  Why wasn't he an All-Star last season?  It definitely wasn't because he didn't want to be there or the producers didn't want him back - far from it.  They would gladly have had him there if he was able.

The reason was simple yet heartbreaking.  Robert had been in an accident - one where he almost lost his life.  The doctors told him that most people don't survive the situation he was in, and he was lucky to be alive.  On top of that, they informed him that he would never dance again.

Thankfully he is not like "most people".  Robert declared that God still had a plan for him, and he would work hard to get back on stage to dance again.  For just over a year, he has worked his way back through the injuries and pain to not only function on a daily basis, but to dance - and dance well. 

For his first time back on SYTYCD, Robert was paired with Tucker Knox, a contestant on this current season who has also survived a bad car accident, which at one point left him paralyzed.  Tucker also came back from a place where he was told he wouldn't even be able to walk again.  Travis Wall choreographed an incredible routine for them, which represented his relationship with his brother Danny, whom he helped out of a dark place.  The combination of these three men together was the perfect storm of talent and emotion.  God knew what He was doing putting them all together - at the right place and the right time.

All of them have LIVED this story in their own way.  I was in tears watching as both Robert and Tucker poured out their emotions in the dance, portraying everything they had been through in front of the world.  At the end of the routine, Robert ran to hug Tucker, and they embraced as only two people who had been through the same difficulties could, with total love and support.  At this point I completely lost it, because even though I haven't actually walked in their shoes I could FEEL what they did.  And that is the mark of a true artist.

I have friends who have gone through, or are currently going through, recovery from an accident.  I know that Robert (and Tucker) went through a lot of pain, both physical and emotional, on the journey to overcome the trauma and get back to fully living.  It's not easy to work through the various feelings that attack you as you recover, but you can't let those feelings keep you down.  You have to have the FAITH that God is with you on your journey and you will beat the odds.  That the negative words that others, even doctors, may say is not going to be your reality.

For myself, I need the lesson that was provided on Tuesday night as much as anyone else.  As much as I try to stay positive, from time to time anxiety, depression, and fear threaten to get the best of me.  I always fight it - because I'm not about to let the devil win.  God created me to be someone special, and I will fulfill his purpose for me.  And just when I'm having one of those really rough days, He sends me a message through these amazing dancers and beautiful human beings. 

God uses our gifts to bless others.  While He speaks through some of us through our words, He speaks through Robert and others, without words, through dance.  The blessings may come when you least expect them, but they are always right on time.

Robert is right.  God does have a plan for him - not just to dance again, but to speak through that talent to inspire others to have faith and courage to be their best and not settle out of fear.  He also has a plan for each of us, and I pray we all have the courage to live out those plans.  I also pray for Robert as he continues to recover - and thrive.

Most of all...I thank God for speaking to me through dance when I really needed it, pulling me from the darkness into the light.  He is ALWAYS on time!

Inspiration - Courtesy of Kellie Pickler

Inspiration comes in many forms - people, music, dance, writing, and more.

For me, it arrived as all of the above...in the form of a sweet, hard-working, determined Southern lady who faced her fears and insecurities on Dancing With The Stars.

If you've followed Kellie from her early days on American Idol, you already know that she's a sweetheart.  You also know that she didn't have the best childhood growing up - not even close.

Her mother abandoned her.  Her dad was in jail.  Her grandparents raised her, but her grandmother passed away from cancer when Kellie was 15 years old.  She lived in a beautiful small town, but her family did not have much money.

But Kellie persevered, even with all of those possible obstacles.  She rose above the challenges and went for her dreams.  She didn't let the things that life threw at her stop her.

I was reminded of Kellie's heart and determination as she took on Dancing With The Stars this season.  She always has a joke, word of encouragement, and ready smile for everyone watching.  She worked many long hours to learn and perfect all of the dances, including Derek's amazing but challenging choreography.

By the time the finals came around, Kellie also let us see her vulnerable side - the part of her that still felt the pain from her past but wanted to overcome it all.  And I could relate.

I've always been the one who encourages others, finds the humor in a situation, and smiles to get through my challenges.  But I still have a vulnerable side.  I'm learning to show that side a little more often - some people can't handle that I'm not "perfect"  (whatever perfect is supposed to be!) and decide that I'm only good enough for them when I help them.  That's OK...not everyone you meet is supposed to stay in your life forever.  Sometimes they are there just for you to learn a lesson.

Thankfully, there are still plenty of people who understand that we are all human and have issues and challenges to face - that we don't have to be "on" all the time.  That love and friendship is a two-way street and we should support each other through the good AND the bad.

I cried as Kellie and Derek performed their Freestyle.  I could see that she was being very real with all of us.  She let us all the way into her world, and we love her for it.  This is why she is a true champion!

Thank you Kellie, for sharing your heart and soul on the dance floor along with the proper technique.  You taught me (and countless others) that it's OK - no, VITAL - to be yourself  and share who God created you to be. And that hard work and prayer will get you far, no matter what life throws at you.

I'd love to be in the physical shape that Kellie is in...and I'm working on it.  But it's also important to work on that inside beauty, which she has in spades.  This is one lesson I will carry with me every day!

Biggest Loser 14 - Red Lines, Trust, and Self-Sabotage

We should have known there would be a red line this week.

Oh, I know...last week's teaser showed that if the entire group lost a certain amount of weight, everyone would be safe for one more week.  But what they didn't tell us, until tonight, was that if they didn't lose enough, there would be a red line and the person below it would automatically go home.

No pressure, right?  Alison even gave the contestants chances to lower the amount - originally set at 70 pounds - through a pop challenge and a physical challenge.  The teen ambassadors took the pop challenge, so they could help the adults lessen their burden for the week.  They answered nutrition questions, getting 4 out of 5 correct to decrease the amount by 4 pounds.  Then they revisited the fitness tests they took the first week, and if they could beat their old numbers would help the adults even more.  The three kids split up the tests and blew their old numbers out of the water, lowering the weight loss amount by 5 more pounds.  And Sunny told us that when she gets stressed, she goes running...instead of eating like she used to do.  That's real progress!!!

So now the group had to lose only 61 pounds instead  of 70.  You would think that working together toward a common goal would bring about teamwork, wouldn't you?  WRONG!  Joe and Gina clashed; he antagonized her and she got upset.  Jillian challenged Alex on the treadmill and Alex kept stopping, saying she couldn't do it.  Jill then challenged Gina to prove to Alex that it could be done...and Gina did the same thing Alex did.  As Jillian wondered aloud what was wrong with everyone this week, Gina stormed off and went back to her room.  Bob, Dolvett, and Jillian got into a heated discussion about people taking the easy way out and not pushing themselves. 

Jillian went over to the house to talk to Alex, where she discovered that Alex has been hearing her whole life that she's not good enough (complaints that she "only" got an A instead of an A+, etc.) and hearing Jill tell her she wasn't doing enough set her off.  And when she hears she's not good enough, her thoughts turn to "Why should I even try at all?"  Bob had a similar talk with Gina, who is still having issues drowning out the negativity other people throw her way.

I know firsthand about Never Good Enough Syndrome.  It didn't come from my parents when I was growing up, because they always loved and supported me whether I got an A+, A, A-, or the occasional B+.  Never once did they chew me out for not being perfect.  But to other kids in junior high, I wasn't good enough - not pretty enough, not thin enough, not cool enough...and it ate away at my self-esteem.  Then in adulthood, I began to deal with some people who never thought I did enough.  I could work two jobs, clean the house, give time to help others...but if one day I had to rush out leaving a single coffee cup in the sink to wash when I got home from my second job I was being lazy and not doing enough.  (By the way, this attitude did NOT come from my husband...he was always appreciative and never critical.)  I started wondering why I was even bothering to ry so hard when I was still going to be criticized no matter what.  Over time those people weren't around anymore, but then a few others took their place.  When I'd have success, I was told I didn't go about it the "right" way so it didn't count.  Or if I didn't take up what was considered an "appropriate" career or occupation, I was a failure or letting everyone down.

I tell you this because I want you to realize how low self-esteem causes self-sabotage.  If you continually accept into your mind the garbage that other people tell you about yourself, you're going to be depressed and start thinking they're right.  And when you do start having some success, you do something to sabotage it - to fulfill what the others said about you.  This is what Gina and Alex are dealing with.  I've learned - and I'm still learning daily - that YOU CAN'T LET THE NEGATIVITY OF OTHERS AFFECT HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF.  Prove them wrong!!!  Show them just what you are made of...that they don't know who they're dealing with and are a force to be reckoned with, not doubted.  Realize that when they criticize you, it's more about themsleves than you...and go be awesome!

Back on the ranch, Alison gave the players another chance to lower the amount of weight they needed to lose in a treasure hunt of sorts, digging through sand dunes that led to a flag.  If they completed the course in time, which they did even with some not trying to help very much, they could knock another 10 pounds off.  So the final total for the group to lose was 51 pounds.  Still, the trainers were nervous because they knew that most of the contestants were having a bad week.

In an attempt to build trust among each other, there was a high wire challenge that paired two people together to hold each other up and walk the wire together.  Bob and Dolvett went first to show how it worked.  Jillian paired up with Alex and succeeded in building some trust between them.  Of course they put Joe and Gina together, who managed to do all right even though they didn't really seem to get the trust thing down.

The weigh-in was filled with tension, wondering if the group would reach their goal.  Gina managed to make Jillian's head hurt, Bob and Dolvett's jaws drop when she said she was going to stay positive on the scale.  Her emotions are like a roller coaster, so I don't blame them!  I hope she can break through the major roadblock in her mind to finally be her best self. 

Danni lost 7 pounds...but everyone else's numbers were low.  They weren't even close to reaching the 51 pound goal.  The red line came down to Jeff and Francelina (who are a couple) with Francelina going home.  She's really rockin' it at home though, and I predict that at finale she will be at her goal weight!

Next week looks to be just as emotional as the final six work toward reaching the finals...and have to face their worst fears!!!

Biggest Loser 14 - Overcoming Fear and Bullying at the Halfway Point

Here we are at the halfway point of the season with the remaining contestants, and thankfully I'm way past the halfway point of getting over the flu so I can recap this week!  Since we're in the middle of the season, you know there will be even more twists and turns. 

The main twist this week involved the weigh-in.  Dice were presented, one die for each team with their faces on the sides.  Each trainer would roll the dice, and the player showing on top would have to represent the team on the scale.  Only his or her weight would count.  This would not happen until right before the weigh-in, so nobody would know who it was going to be...except the white team, because only Danni is left to represent.  Jillian was nervious about this, since Danni had pulled a big number the week before and they didn't know if she could do it again.

This twist caused anxiety and fear to come out in some of the players, particularly Gina and Jackson.  Gina cried, which set Bob off.  He really laid into her about all of the tears and why she always thinks the worst about herself.  Eventually he took her outside to have a calmer discussion, letting her know that he sees her as a major threat in the house and she's capable of much more than she gives herself credit for.  She's always afraid that she'll let people down.  She vowed to start seeing herself the way Bob sees her.  Jackson had a similar talk with Dolvett about always feeling like he wasn't good enough, and Dolvett made him repeat over and over that he IS good enough.

Fear is an interesting thing.  I know I've talked before about it, but I can't drive the point home enough.  Fear makes you doubt yourself.  When you doubt you can do something, it messes with your head so that you can't do it...which only makes you doubt yourself more and fear the next challenge in your life, whatever it may be.  I've been there.  I STILL struggle with it.  But I've begun to break that vicious cycle, putting myself out there more to try different things and push myself harder.  I have to block out those who don't believe in me and prove them wrong - in fact, I have to prove that old negative inner voice wrong and just go for it.  And as I build up small victories (and larger ones) my courage and confidence grow.  That's what the contestants on the ranch go through, in front of the world for all to see.

Speaking of challenges, who in the world comes up with the ones for the show?  As my friend Shannon on Twitter said, it looked like the set of Wipeout.  Walking on a beam, dodging swinging objects and getting plates to the other side...back and forth several times...just looked so cruel.  I would like to see the people who designed this challenge have to do it!  And on top of that, they had to correctly put the plates with calorie counts on them with the right pictures.  Finally Danni won...proving that this one-woman show can rock anything.  She got to hear from her family, which had to be especially sweet since she has no teammates to lean on at this point.

The teen ambassadors had their own challenge, thankfully a much nicer one.  They had to find ways to set an example for other kids around them.  Biingo started his own fitness club.  Sunny led her classmates in a circuit workout she created.  Her parents really want her to be a doctor, but I think she has a future as a trainer.  She would still be helping people get healthy!  Lindsay bravely spoke in front of her school about bullying - what it did to her and how it affects others.  She made them pledge to stop bullying altogether.  Then she was surprised by pop star Cody Simpson, who also spoke and gave a little concert for her school.  I'm really proud of her...I don't know if I could have stood before my school (including my bullies) and spoken so eloquently.  Maybe she will stop some of these kids from turning into adult bullies; we know that adults are also still ridiculed by those who never grew up.

The last chance workouts were brutal.  Jillian actually made Danni's fun, but she did have to get over her fear of heights to jump from a wall into a pit.  Once she did, she wanted to keep on doing it!  It's always good to mix it up to keep from getting bored, and use those muscles you didn't even know you had.  Dolvett invited Laila Ali to lead his team in a boxing workout.  It would be so cool to have a lesson from her.  (And if she brought her former Dancing With The Stars partner Maks with her to gave me a cha-cha lesson...all the better!)  She actually struggled with her weight as a kid, so she could relate.  For Bob's team, it was basically a beating in the gym, making all of them work until he thought Alex was sweating enough.  And then he even took a picture of her after she collapsed over the treadmill!

The time to face the scale arrived, and the trainers rolled the dice.  Joe represented red, Jeff blue, and Danni white (of course).  Jillian was worried about Danni beating Joe's percentage, but she did.  I have to say she's my favorite this season!  It came down to blue, and Jeff didn't lose enough to beat Joe.  The blue team went to their first elimination of the season.  I pretty much expected that they would send David home, considering that he has a leg injury and even when he give it his all he doesn't burn as much as the others.  But seeing him at home, he's really making progress!  He looks amazing and is a much better police officer now that he's fitter.

Next week, everyone goes to singles!  The teams are dissolved and it's every player for himself/herself.  It also looks like Jillian helps Jeff get to the root of his problem and they bond.  I can't wait to see what happens next...how about you?

My Focus Word for 2013 - COURAGE!

"Whatever course you decide upon,

there is always someone to tell you

that you are wrong.  There are

always difficulties arising which tempt

you to believe that your critics are right.

To map out a course of action and follow

it to an end requires COURAGE."

--Ralph Waldo Emerson

Happy 2013!  You may remember that at the beginning of last year I chose one word to focus on for 2012.  Actually, it chose me.  God puts the word I need most in my mind - and everywhere else (books, music, signs, quotes, etc.) so that I know for sure which word He wants me to focus on.

Last year's word was ACTION.  And I did take action in many ways throughout the year, but I still have a long way to go. 

Which leads to this year's word:  COURAGE.

This is an area in which I have struggled since childhood.  So many times in my life, I've had people tell me I can't do something.  Sometimes it was meant well, like when my parents were afraid I would get hurt - either physically or emotionally - and would not let me do certain things, such as horseback riding.  At other times it was other people telling me that I couldn't accomplish certain goals because I "was not good enough" or "didn't have it in me". 

I still have people in my life who don't believe in me or what I can accomplish...actually, I've begun to realize that these are people who don't believe that they can accomplish certain things, so they don't think anyone else can either.  Or they are people who can't think outside the box to do anything other than what's considered "normal".  I've even had someone bluntly tell me I would never accomplish anything in my life and I was worthless.

Now, maybe these people were raised to believe that, so all of their lives they impose the same thought process on others who dare to dream and set goals...to be different. 

So that means if I want to truly be the woman God created me to be, I have to have the COURAGE to ignore the naysayers and overcome fears that have long been placed into my mind.  Having that COURAGE will build on the ACTION from last year, because fear stops us from taking certain actions that we should take.

So I pray to God to help me have the COURAGE to put even more of His plans for me into ACTION.  With Him I will get there!!!

What about you?  Do you have a focus word for the new year?  Please share!



Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition - Nyla Salsas Through Stress to a New Attitude

Boy, did Nyla ever have a rough year for her transformation. 

Luckily for her, she had Chris there to help...he gave her space when she needed it, pushed her as much as he could, and was there for her no matter what.  He even located her father, whom she had never met.

Chris himself even said that this was one of his toughest transformations, because it seemed to be taking Nyla such a long time to "get it".  She had so many mental and emotional blocks to break through that she still cheated with her food choices and didn't always work out to the best of her ability.  She let finanacial and other stress get to her on a regular basis.  Her fears and low self-confidence got her in trouble many times.  She even almost quit more than once.  But she finally decided that working through all of her issues was better than staying stuck where she was, and that staying in her comfort zone was getting her nowhere.

The biggest breakthough came when Chris got the information about Nyla's father.  Unfortunately he had committed suicide in 2010, but she was able to meet all of her aunts, uncles, and cousins - who all embraced her and told her how much her dad wished he'd had his act together so he could be there for his daughters.  This revelation made her feel less abandoned, because she realized he really loved her even though he wasn't present for her.  She also gained support from an entire set of relatives who were so happy to finally be in her life.

It does sometimes take some of us longer than others to "get it".  We are all unique individuals, so we are not all on the exact same timetable in our lives.  God has a plan for each of us, and He will get us there in His perfect timing.  And that timing may be different for me than you, or for you than your best friend, etc.  We all have issues and stresses in our lives that we have to deal with, and we will not all deal with them in the same way.  (And I can certainly say that from experience!)

Now, of course my favorite part of this episode was Nyla's salsa lesson with Tony Dovolani from Dancing With The Stars.  I couldn't help but smile throughout the whole thing for her. I know all about having a passion for dancing. (and, for me, writing about it!)  Nyla's come a long way from the girl who couldn't even open a dance DVD at home to work out...now she even teaches dance fitness classes!

Nyla still did an amazing job in a year's time...from 435 down to 278 is quite an accomplishment and she should be very proud.  And as she said - this is not just a year long journey, it's a LIFE JOURNEY.  There will be ups and downs, but as long as we always keep going and never give up we will get to where we are supposed to be.  Just keep moving forward!!!

Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition - Jacqui's Singing a Brand New Song!

I have a confession to make...I REALLY, REALLY relate to Jacqui.  In a way, she could be my long lost sister.

No, I didn't start out at 355 pounds like she did, but I still know the feelings that got her there very well.  The feeling that you're letting people down because of your weight.  Being so scared you quit on something when you've barely gotten started.  Having setbacks earlier in your life that still haunt you well into adulthood.  And being frustrated whenever you try to overcome all of this.

Now Jacqui was assaulted as a teenager, and thankfully that's something I cannot relate to.  But I can see where that made her want to add layers of protection to her body.  I did that myself as I grew up, being hurt over and over again by classmates and trying to eat away the pain - even though that only made it worse.  Other than my parents, it seemed nobody believed in me or my dreams. I was shot down anytime I tried to stand up for myself.  And when it came down to it, my parents wanted to protect their only child from being hurt, so they urged me to get a "real" job and forget about singing and songwriting.  I know they were only trying to do their best to look out for me, but they projected a lot of fears onto me about doing the "secure" things in life to keep me "safe".

Now this path I've been on has led to many blessings, like meeting my husband and having my son.  I did my best wherever I was.  But something was always missing - something I tried to replace with food.  At one point I lost all of the weight, but when my mom got sick and then passed away I ate away the pain again.  And ever since then I've struggled...sometimes moving forward, sometimes taking a step backward.

So of course when I found out Jacqui was a singer who was too nervous to get on stage because of her weight I saw even more of myself in her.  You HAVE to pursue what you really love in life - your passions: not the ones of your friends, relatives, or anyone else.  It's taken me a long time to get to the point where that is what I'm doing.  Trying to follow everyone else's "rules" only made me anxious and depressed...which made me eat lots of sugar and fast food for temporary relief.  Until the point, that is, when I had to take charge, learning to balance family and personal repsonsibilities with pursuing my passions and pushing away the negativity.

Chris helped Jacqui overcome her fears - fitness and music wise.  She lost 207 pounds. She is like a whole new person; the person she was always meant to be is finally coming out.  And once she got started, there was no stopping her!

I know I still have my days when I struggle trying to balance it all and still have quite a bit of weight to lose...but I'm getting there.  I'm writing songs, singing whenever I can and writing articles, along with the novels I hope to soon have published. 

Nobody said it would be easy - but it will be worth it.  And with a role model like Jacqui, there's no way I can go wrong!

Biggest Loser 13 - Finding Your Confidence

Sometimes it's harder to find confidence than you may think. I know for a fact that some people think it's easy...of course these are the ones who don't have self-esteem issues, who assume that since they believe in themselves it should be easy for everyone. This is not the case.

We saw this firsthand tonight with Emily. Even though last week she seemed to have a breakthrough, Bob still had to have a talk with her about believing in herself the same way her family and friends believe in her. I can vouch for the fact that just because you gain confidence and insight, it doesn't mean smooth sailing from then on. You will take steps forward, backward, and forward again on the path to confidence. And yes, even though it's difficult this is NORMAL!

Conda and Kim had a fashion confidence moment with Jessica Simpson. (I sure would love to have a room full of clothes and accessories to shop through for free!) As the weight comes off, you feel good knowing that you can wear stuff that never fit before...and that is much more stylish than you used to wear. You could see the two of them stand and walk taller in their new clothes. When you need a confidence boost - wear something amazing, and you will feel amazing.

And Kimmy conquered her fear of heights when Dolvett had her climb a 40 foot rock wall. She always cheered other people on when they faced their fears, but neglected herself. (I can sure relate to that, but I'm learning to cheer myself on as well.) It was so cool to watch her make it to the top and announce that she believes in herself. Take it from me - facing those fears and conquering them definitely makes you feel better about yourself...and you come out on the other side of it a stronger person.

The elimination was heart-wrenching tonight, because both of the women up for elimination have come far but still have a long way to go. Emily was sent home, but she had a surprise for all of us. She's an aspiring opera singer, and with some help from Season 11 winner Olivia she is working with a vocal coach. Emily already sounds really good, so I can't wait to hear what she sounds like with more training.

You really do have to go for your dreams...with every bit of confidence you can find. It's the only way to live a full life!!!

Biggest Loser New Zealand Part Two - Unlimited Breakthroughs

I HAD to use Unlimited in the title of my blog today. Not only because it is Jillian's new book and making such a big difference in my life, but to honor her even though Biggest Loser is supposedly weaning us off of her in preparation for next season. I know I speak for myself and many of my friends on Facebook and Twitter...we have all stated that we'd rather see as much of Jill now as we can before the season is over. Limiting her screen time is NOT going to help; it does just the opposite. I hope this is corrected for the rest of the season, out of respect for Jillian and all of her fans.

Now on a much more positive note, during last night's episode the contestants continued to face their fears and do things they never would have imagined themselves doing before. Swinging over canyons, bungee jumping, rock climbing and river boarding...all were conquered in beautiful New Zealand. (I'm still saving up for a trip there!!!) I have to admit, if I were Rulon and was asked to bungee jump on the anniversary of his plane crash , I would have freaked out too. He finally made the jump, hopefully making the date a little easier for himself in the future. Never let the past hold you back!

I can completely relate to Hannah...getting stronger every day, yet still having those thoughts and fears about backsliding. She and Olivia had many people in their lives tell them they were going to fail on Biggest Loser. (nice support system, huh?) Both of the have proved all of their naysayers wrong several times over. I think working on ourselves is a continuing process throughout our lives, so when we feel like that we have to find a way to get past it, and keep moving forward. It's inspiring to see women going through the same things I am and defeating the negative thoughts.

I must say, this is the most inspiring season so far on Biggest Loser. I've never been able to relate to so many of the contestants so deeply, and I'm hearing from many of you that you feel the same. Please share your thoughts with me anytime...and let's conquer our demons together!

Pilates - You HAVE to Try It!!!

I finally got to try it. I've been wanting to try it for years...learning all I can about it, reading Pilates Style magazine, and checking out the infomercials on the various Pilates methods and equipment. I'm not sure why I kept putting it off - wait, that's not true. I DO know why...fear. Fear of hurting myself becasue I did it wrong. Fear of looking like an idiot because I'm not a size 4. Fear in general. I'm happy to report that my fears were unfounded. I had my first Pilates session last week at BodyWave Pilates in Westlake, and it was amazing. I highly recommend going to a studio when you first start, because the instructors are trained to customize the workout for each individual body. I was able to do more than I even thought possible at this point...and my body feels so much better! I also wrote an article on the studio for Westlake Patch, so if you'd like to see pictures of my wonderful instructor Janice demonstrating some poses and find out more about Pilates, check my article link here. I can't wait for my next session on Thursday. And no, I can't perform the move pictured about yet, just like I'm not yet ready for my People magazine bikini cover shoot. But I will someday...well, at least the Pilates part! ;o)

Finding The Source Of The Fear And Dealing With It

If you will remember in some of my past blog posts, I talked about fear and how it holds us back from accomplishing things and realizing our full potential. I vowed to figure out where all of my fear was coming from, and how to deal with that so I could move on with courage. This past week I had an epiphany, which really broke through in my mind after Jillian helped Maria in the pool on Biggest Loser.

You already know about my fear of the water, and how much I want to overcome it. I've had so much fear in my life, which I've come to realize stems from my childhood.

I was an only child, and my parents found out after me they couldn't have any more. They were very protective of me. Now, all parents need to protect their children to some extent, and I know my parents meant well and acted out of pure love, but they were actually OVERprotective. Besides the swimming issues, there were a lot of other things I was not allowed to do or try. They were always afraid that I was going to get in trouble or be hurt. Now, I'm not talking about things like letting a child jump off a building or walk through fire...nothing extreme. I'm talking about things like skating, horseback riding, and other sports. The most I was allowed to do was music lessons, and I am very thankful for that, since music is a passion of mine. Still, I would have liked to try some other activities as well.

What did this wind up teaching me? Don't take risks, even small ones, because it might put you in danger. I swear I wound up being afraid of my own shadow sometimes. I was a wreck when I had to speak in front of my class, and most of the time when I came up with an idea I wanted to try my first thought was that I couldn't take the chance of getting hurt. When we HAD to go skating for gym class, I clung to the rink walls and was too scared to venture out further. I kept a lot of feelings inside, being afraid to speak up for myself. Even when it came to career choices, I took the safe route. I was so scared of disappointing my parents. I remember a job offer I had down in the Southern US, and my mom saw it when it came in the mail. She panicked and cried, and told me I couldn't take it because it would break my dad's heart if I moved away. I did not take the job...I stayed here in Ohio. Would you like to know what the job was? Working at Fan Club Headquarters in Fort Payne, for the country music group Alabama. I think I still have that job offer tucked away somewhere, as a reminder of what I could have done. I can only imagine where that would have led me if I had accepted the job.

Now, I am happy that I met my husband up here and we have a great son, and would not trade them or the rest of my wonderful family and friends for anything. But...it is time to stop living in fear and start doing the things I've always wanted to do. A couple of years ago, my son's class went horseback riding, and I was a chaperone. After the kids rode, the parents and teachers were offered the chance to ride. Since I weighed almost 220 at the time, I thought they were kidding, but one of the girls that worked there let me mount her own personal horse, Richie, who was used to even larger adults riding him. We only went around the arena at a walk, but I felt so good. I know I want to ride more often, and that's one thing I WILL start again once I lose some more weight. This summer I will give it another go. By the way, my son and I visited the barn a few months later, and when I went up to Richie, he would not let me leave and stayed up close to my face. I believe we had a bond just from that first short ride.

They took pictures of us on the horses, and I showed mine to my dad. (I will post that one closer to summer to remind myself of my goal.) He told me that when I was 3, he and my mom put me on a pony and I cried so much that they took me off and never tried again. I asked him if this was why they wouldn't let me take riding lessons when I was 12 and really wanted to, and he said yes...they figured since I didn't like it the first time I would have a problem again and they were afraid to let me. Now, there is a big difference between a 3 year old on a pony and a 12 year old on a horse. My parents thought they were protecting me, but just wound up teaching me to be afraid.

I've been working hard at not letting setbacks get to me. I no longer curl up in a ball and get depressed...I feel the disappointment for a short time, think about what I've learned or could have done better, and move on. Through a lot of prayer, I've learned that those dreams are all still inside of me, and God is the One who put them there. Since He is the reason for these dreams and goals, I know He will give me the strength and courage to put them into action and complete them. I need to honor what God has put inside of me, and He will help me get there. Now that I know where all of the fear came from, I can move past it and do what I was meant to do from the beginning!

Moment of Fear...Moment of Reality

***photo courtesy of NBC.

OK, we're only two weeks into the new season, and I've already found someone to identify with. When the contestants got to their challenge site for the week and found themselves at a pool, Maria let her fear get the better of her. She was afraid of the water and did not know how to swim. At first she was frozen because of it, and could not bring herself to walk across the balance beam to the other side. Once she finally did, she was in such a hurry to get to the other side and away from the water that she fell against the concrete and her nose began to bleed. She had to be taken to the hospital, and when she got back to the ranch she had a black eye and a fractured ring finger.

Jillian decided that she needed to take Maria aside and help her confront her fears. She led her out to the pool to face it head on. Maria was beyond a nervous wreck, and it was raining on top of it all. Jillian went in the water with her, getting her to realize she was floating by herself without Jillian's help. Then she got Maria actually swimming a little bit. The two of them really bonded over this experience, and Maria felt so much better conquering her fear of the water.

I felt like it was me out there in that pool with Jillian. (And it figures that Maria and I have names that are SO similar!) I never learned how to swim...neither of my parents knew how, and I don't think they actually thought much of it until I was an adult and really wished I could swim. My dad was even in the Coast Guard and did rescues without knowing how to swim; I'm sure that would never be allowed nowadays. There were a couple of times that I actually attempted to learn...but my fear was so strong that I couldn't do it.

Now, I love the water, and I'm always in a pool whenever I can be. But like Maria, I'm only comfortable going in up to the 4 foot mark. I do exercises at the side of the pool, and I do hold on to the edge while I kick my feet out, thanks to a family friend who at least got me to do that when I was about 12. I would love to be comfortable enough to actually let go of the sides and swim.

This episode is making me face my fears head on...I really need to let go of the sides (just like on the treadmill!) and learn. I know fear has paralyzed me in so many ways, and if I conquer this one it will help me take more risks in other areas of my life. I am going to swim...I will find a way. Thank you Maria and Jillian!

So You Think You Can...Let Go Of Your Fear?

I am a firm believer that music and dance can help you learn more about yourself. This point was proven to me once again on Tuesday night, while watching So You Think You Can Dance.

As you know from reading my previous posts, I have been doing a lot of soul searching in order to life my life to the fullest. One particular dance on Tuesday night brought one of those "light bulb" moments to me. This was a Contemporary piece, choreographed by Stacey Tookey and danced phenomenally by Kathryn and Legacy. Kathryn was a woman trying to fight her fear, with Legacy representing that fear. Every movement brought out strong feelings in me, as she kept wrestling and fighting her fear, finally pushing that fear right into the ground.

I saw so much of myself in this dance. It all started coming back to me...all of the times that I let fear control my life, which prevented me from accomplishing great things. I know this all started when I was a little girl. My parents were very protective of me, especially since I was their only child. There were a lot of things they would not let me do, for fear of physical or emotional hurt. I don't blame them; they loved me so much that they wanted to protect me and thought that was the way to do it. They didn't know, so they did their best. I wound up being afraid of taking risks...and until recently I hadn't taken very many risks at all. I'm getting better about that, and this dance made me realize that there are some fears still holding me back. God has put some wonderful friends in my life, who are helping my realize just how much potential I have and how much I have to share with the world. I am so grateful for them, and I wish for all of you to have these kinds of friends in your life.

I am now working on moving past those remaining fears and pushing them right into the ground. Thank you to Stacey Tookey for her brilliant choreography, and to Kathryn & Legacy for their amazing performance. You have all touched my life forever, and I'm sure you have also touched the others who watched as well.

If you would like to watch this incredibly moving dance, you can see it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=po417XoP0O0 Maybe it will help you reach into your own soul and confront your fears. I know it got to me!